Numb

I have been absent in my blog for a long while.  This year has been a very hard year emotionally for me and though life goes on, my heart just hasn't been in it.

We moved our family out to the family farm to give my grandparents an extra hand.  My grandmother was ill and we wanted them to have peace of mind in their older years.  It's not too far from where we were living before.  Shortly after moving out here my grandmother became ill and almost lost her life.  Thankfully, I was here and was able to get her to the hospital in time.  (I hate to talk in code but I'm trying to explain without exactly saying what it was.)  In May, my grandmother went in for a minor surgery to reconnect what was disconnected in late summer of last year.  She did awesome during the surgery and came home from the hospital the end of May.  After about 10 days out of the hospital, she just couldn't breathe.  I took her to the doctor where they admitted her back in the hospital where we spent a month trying to find a medicine that her lungs would respond to, she never recovered.  She left this world on July 1st, with her husband, children and a grandchildren by her side to surround her with love and prayer as she went to meet the Father.

My mother had me at a very young age and that made her a young grandmother.  My grandparents are like an extra set of parents and I tend to fall into a grey line where my aunts/uncle can be more siblings than peers.  I wasn't ready to let her go but don't know if I ever would have been.  I lost my best friend, confidant and partner in crime.  Here we are almost six months later and I miss her.  I cry as I write this.

I REALLY miss her.

My emotions have been all over the place these past months.  I feel pretty numb these days, trying to find what my new role is.  I've gone from taking care of my sister's children for the past 4.5 years to having them almost all in school and time to concentrate on my own family.  Caring for my grandmother on a daily basis to loosing her.  I'm looking forward to putting 2010 behind me and welcoming 2011 with open arms.   2010 has been a year of heartbreak, loss and more changes than I like to handle.  I don't mind change but I like the good kind.